Road Bumps

Life can suck sometimes........Trust me I know. It is hard to get through certain bumps in the road of life ......

*no I don't work at Hallmark.....so feel free to barf*

.......at times, but then once you do and you look back at them you think "how the fuck did I EVER get past that?"

Strange but true, i'm
always asking myself about my depression....sometimes it comes out of
nowhere, and it fucks my whole day up. I guess it helps thati'm the
type of person who likes to pick apart everything I have, and even
sometimes likes to label myself to make me feel as though I do have
something to call me.

But other times I really love being myself
and not that this has anything to do with what I was writing you......I
kinda go side tracked and nowi'm just going with it.
Anyway um,
yeah sometimes I tell myself "Self....the world can go fuck
themselves!" And those are the days that frankly I don't give a damn!
They're great, and I can be my stupid,strange,weird,crazy,zany, fun
self. I sometimes have to stop and think why I can't be this way all
the time (which in my head really sucks, cause it's who i am and I love
it) but my mind starts to freak out and think all those stupid negative
thoughts that make me think that "oh no what if they make fun of me and
point and laugh at me"

It sucks, but those are the times where i have to challenge myself and say "hey why am I really afraid?" and "Why am I even listening to those stupid thoughts, that are keeping me from being myself and having a good time?"

Anyway when I end up looking at it, in that perspective....it makes me realize that i'm
doing it to myself, and that assuming certain things are going to
happen when I don't know if they are...is stupid. Not to mention a
waste of time.

As for the friend thing........I honestly don't
think I have any friends. I mean sure I have a shit load of people who
say they're my friends and we never hang out or talk for months.

Then there are the people who are there for me only when they're down and out....and they know i'll be there for them.

But when it comes down to it, and i'm
the one who is so damn depressed and hating life and myself, and want
to cut and don't give a shit what I do to hurt myself.....that's when I
don't think I have anyone(for at the time nobody I call or try to get a
hold of answers their phone)
You would wonder why "god" or whom ever
it is that you believe in or don't believe in would do such a horrible
thing to someone. Well, you know you would figure at such a sad time
someone would be there for you....but no it's weird how things work out
sometimes. I think at those times when you'reTRULY alone and such....is
when you're the strongest. You just have to be alone to realize it
'cause once you get over that "bump in the road of life" (it's coming
back to me...thebeginning of the e-mail) You finally realize that "hey I can get through the toughest of times even when i'm at my lowest.

It
just takes some time to see yourself in that light. And sometimes when
you are finally there, you don't realize it until afterwards. And when
you tell your friends all about how you were trying to call and talk to
someone,.....they felt horrible that they weren't there for you, and
how much they would have been there if they knew.

The funny
thing about that, is that it usually turns out, that your friend had
some freak accident that happened to their phone...they couldn't find
it ANYWHERE. That's when you don't usually believe them...but you know
that deep down, if they could have been there for you or even with you,
they totally would be.

So that's my story...hope you liked my
perspective on the glorious thing we call "life" It can suck, but
sometimes it usually works out in the end.

If you need
anything....don't be afraid to ask me. For you know, sometimes
strangers give the best advice: They don't ask questions, they just
tell it like it is. Okay, well that's more of what I do.

~Alice