Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Be Yourself........no one else will
I wrote someone I came across on MySpace.
I love it when you
find someone who you don't even know, for me I tend to want to write
them and tell them all about it. Other times i'm too afraid and think they might find it "weird" hahahha. I don't care though.....in the end I feel as though, i might have brightened
up their day a bit more. I mean think about it: finding an e-mail in
your inbox from someone you don't know, just to find they've written
you um...let's see, written you something you NEVER would have thought
anyone would. I mean, come on it's not everyday some random person
writes you just to tell you how awesome of a person they think you are.
Fuck,i'd be like "whoa......someone actually took the time to read my
blogs,I don't even know them and yet they went out of their way to
write this" Okay, well anyway Here it is:
Hey-
You remind me
a lot of myself. That's so cool...well at least I think so. Anyway I
was
reading your blogs, and I find it so um.....cool. I feel not so alone
in the way I think and feel about certain things, you know? Anyway the
blog "What's wrong w/me?"
Really made me mad........I mean kinda sad too, but mostly mad...For I
believe NOTHING is wrong with you (I know you wrote this a while back
and lots has changed and you have grown as a person, thus your
thoughts and beliefs have changed as well) but I think it's so cool
that you are questioning your motives and such things. Anyway the part
where you said something along the lines of how you thought maybe
you're the crazy one in your family....really upset me. Not at you, but
at society and the media in general. For they are the ones that put
this
"label" on everything that isn't up to their standards, and anything or
anyone that is "different" or in my words: "Actually
being an individual" is wrong and that they shouldn't be that way. It's
sick to me. I mean you get told to "be yourself" all your life, but
then school comes along and what happens: being yourself is considered
"wrong and weird" so you (if your not as strong willed of a person) end
up conforming to certain groups to try to "fit in." And god forbid you
don't conform, and you actually stay true to yourself......in my case
and
I'd really like to say your case too: you end up feeling as though,
you're getting looked down upon in a way, because you DIDN'T "follow
the crowd"
When in actuality YOU are the one getting looked up at....for being so true to yourself. And i'm
sure lots of people were and are jealous that they aren't able to be
that way as well. Thus the reason they would try to make your life a
living hell.
Anyway
I guess my point to all this is, that society puts this image in our
heads saying that it's cool to be yourself around yourself, but if you
bring it around anyone else.....that's wrong. You need to hide who you
really are from the world and then society will love you. That to me is
how i perceive society and media. I HATE that, and I'm glad that you
haven't conformed. And at times, you may think that you betrayed
yourself for not being 100% yourself around everyone......but that's
normal, whatever "normal" may be....in my head I believe that, that is
just one of those things EVERYONE does from time to time or just fuck
it ALL the time. As hard as you try to be yourself, there is always
going to be someone who is going to try to break you down, and make fun
of you for one reason or another...that's horrible, but somewhat true.
My thought on that, is if there is nothing anyone can find bad about
you, they're going to try as much as they can to find a fault in
you.....because it bothers them to see that they can't see any of your
insecurities when your being yourself, all the more reason for them to
MAKE one up and point it out to you.
#1. To make them feel better about themselves.
#2. To make you feel questionable about yourself.
It funny, cause I just thought of this now, when i'm
sure most people already knew this, but um most of the things others
try to knock you down for and "label" you with, are their own
insecurities, thus them feeling better about themselves because now
they can feel slightly more "normal" to themselves for they believe
someone else has the same insecurity. Make sense?? Anyway, the more you
say "fuck that...I know i'm not this or i'm not that" The more they get
pissed off that it's not upsetting you......and the more they're going
to want to piss you off. But eventually when they get tired of it, and
stop.......they'll go onto the next person to try breaking them. Sad
huh?
So as I continue to ramble(even though I said I was done) I guess i'd just like to say "Thanks" for being true to yourself as best as you can, and don't forget that you are such a Strong
person...I mean for the fact that you can question certain things about
yourself and wonder why, is such a healthy thing and a lot of people
are so afraid to look inside themselves and ask. Most people just bury
it deep within and pray not to see the truth, or what might be. You
know what I mean??
Okay, so in conclusion (really?? Oh my god I never thought you'd get there. hahaha)
I'd just like to say, that being "crazy" isn't a BAD thing, it's just a
different way people who don't understand you and your thoughts, and
impressions
of the world....are once again "labeling" you. So I say "FUCK THEM!!!"
Be yourself and love who you are, no matter what they say.
Being an individual is also known as "being one" something that is
individually wrapped is mostly um....in it's own packaging being alone
with it's own thoughts and self. (okay, so maybe if your talking about
candy....then it would be alone with it's own sugar and chocolate
flavors).....M&M'S came to mind, then I realized oh fuck, they're
not
even individually wrapped they too have conformed damn it! But you know
what I mean: You can't be an individual if you "follow the crowd and
conform to their every command"
Well yep that's all. I promise :)
Take care!
~Alice
I love it when you
find someone who you don't even know, for me I tend to want to write
them and tell them all about it. Other times i'm too afraid and think they might find it "weird" hahahha. I don't care though.....in the end I feel as though, i might have brightened
up their day a bit more. I mean think about it: finding an e-mail in
your inbox from someone you don't know, just to find they've written
you um...let's see, written you something you NEVER would have thought
anyone would. I mean, come on it's not everyday some random person
writes you just to tell you how awesome of a person they think you are.
Fuck,i'd be like "whoa......someone actually took the time to read my
blogs,I don't even know them and yet they went out of their way to
write this" Okay, well anyway Here it is:
Hey-
You remind me
a lot of myself. That's so cool...well at least I think so. Anyway I
was
reading your blogs, and I find it so um.....cool. I feel not so alone
in the way I think and feel about certain things, you know? Anyway the
blog "What's wrong w/me?"
Really made me mad........I mean kinda sad too, but mostly mad...For I
believe NOTHING is wrong with you (I know you wrote this a while back
and lots has changed and you have grown as a person, thus your
thoughts and beliefs have changed as well) but I think it's so cool
that you are questioning your motives and such things. Anyway the part
where you said something along the lines of how you thought maybe
you're the crazy one in your family....really upset me. Not at you, but
at society and the media in general. For they are the ones that put
this
"label" on everything that isn't up to their standards, and anything or
anyone that is "different" or in my words: "Actually
being an individual" is wrong and that they shouldn't be that way. It's
sick to me. I mean you get told to "be yourself" all your life, but
then school comes along and what happens: being yourself is considered
"wrong and weird" so you (if your not as strong willed of a person) end
up conforming to certain groups to try to "fit in." And god forbid you
don't conform, and you actually stay true to yourself......in my case
and
I'd really like to say your case too: you end up feeling as though,
you're getting looked down upon in a way, because you DIDN'T "follow
the crowd"
When in actuality YOU are the one getting looked up at....for being so true to yourself. And i'm
sure lots of people were and are jealous that they aren't able to be
that way as well. Thus the reason they would try to make your life a
living hell.
Anyway
I guess my point to all this is, that society puts this image in our
heads saying that it's cool to be yourself around yourself, but if you
bring it around anyone else.....that's wrong. You need to hide who you
really are from the world and then society will love you. That to me is
how i perceive society and media. I HATE that, and I'm glad that you
haven't conformed. And at times, you may think that you betrayed
yourself for not being 100% yourself around everyone......but that's
normal, whatever "normal" may be....in my head I believe that, that is
just one of those things EVERYONE does from time to time or just fuck
it ALL the time. As hard as you try to be yourself, there is always
going to be someone who is going to try to break you down, and make fun
of you for one reason or another...that's horrible, but somewhat true.
My thought on that, is if there is nothing anyone can find bad about
you, they're going to try as much as they can to find a fault in
you.....because it bothers them to see that they can't see any of your
insecurities when your being yourself, all the more reason for them to
MAKE one up and point it out to you.
#1. To make them feel better about themselves.
#2. To make you feel questionable about yourself.
It funny, cause I just thought of this now, when i'm
sure most people already knew this, but um most of the things others
try to knock you down for and "label" you with, are their own
insecurities, thus them feeling better about themselves because now
they can feel slightly more "normal" to themselves for they believe
someone else has the same insecurity. Make sense?? Anyway, the more you
say "fuck that...I know i'm not this or i'm not that" The more they get
pissed off that it's not upsetting you......and the more they're going
to want to piss you off. But eventually when they get tired of it, and
stop.......they'll go onto the next person to try breaking them. Sad
huh?
So as I continue to ramble(even though I said I was done) I guess i'd just like to say "Thanks" for being true to yourself as best as you can, and don't forget that you are such a Strong
person...I mean for the fact that you can question certain things about
yourself and wonder why, is such a healthy thing and a lot of people
are so afraid to look inside themselves and ask. Most people just bury
it deep within and pray not to see the truth, or what might be. You
know what I mean??
Okay, so in conclusion (really?? Oh my god I never thought you'd get there. hahaha)
I'd just like to say, that being "crazy" isn't a BAD thing, it's just a
different way people who don't understand you and your thoughts, and
impressions
of the world....are once again "labeling" you. So I say "FUCK THEM!!!"
Be yourself and love who you are, no matter what they say.
Being an individual is also known as "being one" something that is
individually wrapped is mostly um....in it's own packaging being alone
with it's own thoughts and self. (okay, so maybe if your talking about
candy....then it would be alone with it's own sugar and chocolate
flavors).....M&M'S came to mind, then I realized oh fuck, they're
not
even individually wrapped they too have conformed damn it! But you know
what I mean: You can't be an individual if you "follow the crowd and
conform to their every command"
Well yep that's all. I promise :)
Take care!
~Alice
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Road Bumps
Life can suck sometimes........Trust me I know. It is hard to get through certain bumps in the road of life ......
*no I don't work at Hallmark.....so feel free to barf*
.......at times, but then once you do and you look back at them you think "how the fuck did I EVER get past that?"
Strange but true, i'm
always asking myself about my depression....sometimes it comes out of
nowhere, and it fucks my whole day up. I guess it helps thati'm the
type of person who likes to pick apart everything I have, and even
sometimes likes to label myself to make me feel as though I do have
something to call me.
But other times I really love being myself
and not that this has anything to do with what I was writing you......I
kinda go side tracked and nowi'm just going with it.
Anyway um,
yeah sometimes I tell myself "Self....the world can go fuck
themselves!" And those are the days that frankly I don't give a damn!
They're great, and I can be my stupid,strange,weird,crazy,zany, fun
self. I sometimes have to stop and think why I can't be this way all
the time (which in my head really sucks, cause it's who i am and I love
it) but my mind starts to freak out and think all those stupid negative
thoughts that make me think that "oh no what if they make fun of me and
point and laugh at me"
It sucks, but those are the times where i have to challenge myself and say "hey why am I really afraid?" and "Why am I even listening to those stupid thoughts, that are keeping me from being myself and having a good time?"
Anyway when I end up looking at it, in that perspective....it makes me realize that i'm
doing it to myself, and that assuming certain things are going to
happen when I don't know if they are...is stupid. Not to mention a
waste of time.
As for the friend thing........I honestly don't
think I have any friends. I mean sure I have a shit load of people who
say they're my friends and we never hang out or talk for months.
Then there are the people who are there for me only when they're down and out....and they know i'll be there for them.
But when it comes down to it, and i'm
the one who is so damn depressed and hating life and myself, and want
to cut and don't give a shit what I do to hurt myself.....that's when I
don't think I have anyone(for at the time nobody I call or try to get a
hold of answers their phone)
You would wonder why "god" or whom ever
it is that you believe in or don't believe in would do such a horrible
thing to someone. Well, you know you would figure at such a sad time
someone would be there for you....but no it's weird how things work out
sometimes. I think at those times when you'reTRULY alone and such....is
when you're the strongest. You just have to be alone to realize it
'cause once you get over that "bump in the road of life" (it's coming
back to me...thebeginning of the e-mail) You finally realize that "hey I can get through the toughest of times even when i'm at my lowest.
It
just takes some time to see yourself in that light. And sometimes when
you are finally there, you don't realize it until afterwards. And when
you tell your friends all about how you were trying to call and talk to
someone,.....they felt horrible that they weren't there for you, and
how much they would have been there if they knew.
The funny
thing about that, is that it usually turns out, that your friend had
some freak accident that happened to their phone...they couldn't find
it ANYWHERE. That's when you don't usually believe them...but you know
that deep down, if they could have been there for you or even with you,
they totally would be.
So that's my story...hope you liked my
perspective on the glorious thing we call "life" It can suck, but
sometimes it usually works out in the end.
If you need
anything....don't be afraid to ask me. For you know, sometimes
strangers give the best advice: They don't ask questions, they just
tell it like it is. Okay, well that's more of what I do.
~Alice
*no I don't work at Hallmark.....so feel free to barf*
.......at times, but then once you do and you look back at them you think "how the fuck did I EVER get past that?"
Strange but true, i'm
always asking myself about my depression....sometimes it comes out of
nowhere, and it fucks my whole day up. I guess it helps thati'm the
type of person who likes to pick apart everything I have, and even
sometimes likes to label myself to make me feel as though I do have
something to call me.
But other times I really love being myself
and not that this has anything to do with what I was writing you......I
kinda go side tracked and nowi'm just going with it.
Anyway um,
yeah sometimes I tell myself "Self....the world can go fuck
themselves!" And those are the days that frankly I don't give a damn!
They're great, and I can be my stupid,strange,weird,crazy,zany, fun
self. I sometimes have to stop and think why I can't be this way all
the time (which in my head really sucks, cause it's who i am and I love
it) but my mind starts to freak out and think all those stupid negative
thoughts that make me think that "oh no what if they make fun of me and
point and laugh at me"
It sucks, but those are the times where i have to challenge myself and say "hey why am I really afraid?" and "Why am I even listening to those stupid thoughts, that are keeping me from being myself and having a good time?"
Anyway when I end up looking at it, in that perspective....it makes me realize that i'm
doing it to myself, and that assuming certain things are going to
happen when I don't know if they are...is stupid. Not to mention a
waste of time.
As for the friend thing........I honestly don't
think I have any friends. I mean sure I have a shit load of people who
say they're my friends and we never hang out or talk for months.
Then there are the people who are there for me only when they're down and out....and they know i'll be there for them.
But when it comes down to it, and i'm
the one who is so damn depressed and hating life and myself, and want
to cut and don't give a shit what I do to hurt myself.....that's when I
don't think I have anyone(for at the time nobody I call or try to get a
hold of answers their phone)
You would wonder why "god" or whom ever
it is that you believe in or don't believe in would do such a horrible
thing to someone. Well, you know you would figure at such a sad time
someone would be there for you....but no it's weird how things work out
sometimes. I think at those times when you'reTRULY alone and such....is
when you're the strongest. You just have to be alone to realize it
'cause once you get over that "bump in the road of life" (it's coming
back to me...thebeginning of the e-mail) You finally realize that "hey I can get through the toughest of times even when i'm at my lowest.
It
just takes some time to see yourself in that light. And sometimes when
you are finally there, you don't realize it until afterwards. And when
you tell your friends all about how you were trying to call and talk to
someone,.....they felt horrible that they weren't there for you, and
how much they would have been there if they knew.
The funny
thing about that, is that it usually turns out, that your friend had
some freak accident that happened to their phone...they couldn't find
it ANYWHERE. That's when you don't usually believe them...but you know
that deep down, if they could have been there for you or even with you,
they totally would be.
So that's my story...hope you liked my
perspective on the glorious thing we call "life" It can suck, but
sometimes it usually works out in the end.
If you need
anything....don't be afraid to ask me. For you know, sometimes
strangers give the best advice: They don't ask questions, they just
tell it like it is. Okay, well that's more of what I do.
~Alice
Thursday, March 15, 2007
God
...............Okay, well I believe in "a" God but i don't believe you have to go to church and pray everyday just to be be faithful to him. Yes I said "him" I've always pictured God as a male figure. But anyway I think just by doing good and not being judgemental in life is one of many ways God comes through in people. He's in all of us but sometimes things go terribly wrong to test us on our ability to love one another and see how we would react if something so bad would happen. Sometimes we put too much trust into people and when they betray us it hurts......though hopefully we learn from that experience and are more of an understanding person because of it. More so than none, things happen for a reason beyond our control and it fills us with rage,anger,disappointment,hurt,sorrow,revenge and many other negative feelings and maybe some positive......that we just don't know what to do with at the time or even how or why they came to be. But once again without the bad there can't be good. So in the end if the chance comes along, and you don't like the situation.......think to yourself and ask "what can i learn from this experience?" For there's always a lesson to be learned whether or not you'd like to come to terms with it at that moment in time. Eventually you will see what had to be seen. And if not, you'll keep getting thrown the same situation in life until you've figured out what it is you must learn from it.
Masks
11 Dec 2006
*I came across this one day....I really like it*
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine,
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the zombie.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings.
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator - an honest-to-God creator -
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man,
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than walls,
and in this lays my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands
but with gentle hands
for a child is within.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although we may not wear them all the time around everyone, we still do at certain times. It's sad. I'm really trying so hard.....not to try so hard. I miss the old me that is actually deep within, yearning to be free. Little by little I'm getting more used to it. Because if you think about it "we all have the same fears and insecurities" maybe not at the same time, but I know at one point in our lives or another we can relate.
*I came across this one day....I really like it*
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
For God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is a mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine,
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the zombie.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings.
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator - an honest-to-God creator -
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man,
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than walls,
and in this lays my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands
but with gentle hands
for a child is within.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although we may not wear them all the time around everyone, we still do at certain times. It's sad. I'm really trying so hard.....not to try so hard. I miss the old me that is actually deep within, yearning to be free. Little by little I'm getting more used to it. Because if you think about it "we all have the same fears and insecurities" maybe not at the same time, but I know at one point in our lives or another we can relate.
Bad day
Jan. 7th 2007
I can't stop sleeping that's all i do and it's fucking annoying. I sleep all damn day and then I'm up all night. It's so stupid. Anti-depressants are supposed to HELP me. I guess they're not doing there job any more. I have no interest in anything,all i want to do is sleep,i still take my meds. but they're not doing me any good,i can't find anyone to talk to at the moment.
Why do some people get it and others don't?? I used to think that it wasn't an inheritance from your family but now perhaps it really is. Alcoholism they say runs in the family (mine) but i truly believe it's just a crutch some choose to use as an excuse. I myself have a "higher risk" of becoming an alcoholic, but i choose not to. Why do i think this way for that but not for depression..........perhaps it's because I've battled with it before and was in denial of ever having it until about 2yrs. ago. I kicked and screamed the whole way when other's were saying i had it. "NO i don't have it and that's that" I had no idea what the hell they were talking about i didn't see it. Now i am no longer in denial, though until i got to that point nobody in this world could have changed my mind into having me think i had it.
I've realized that yeah it can be a bad thing at times but it can also be a blessing. As odd as that may sound, i think it's true.....it helps me get my emotions out and helps me think as to why i might be feeling sad or angry and what it is that i can do to fix it. Yeah not all the time does that help but if i look at it in that way "hey somethings wrong" and step back from myself to find what it might be trying to teach me, then maybe in a strange way my depression is a good thing for me. It might not make sense to you but it does to me.
Although, there are many times were i will say "fuck that" and just drowned in my sorrows and feel sorry for myself. Maybe that's one of the few times where i am just having "me" time and it feels good. Too often is it to where i care about everyone and anyone WAY more than I do myself. I need to stop feeling like i don't DESERVE to be loved and cared about. I need to step back and take care of myself and do things for me once in a while. Stop assuming that others are thinking things about me that they aren't thinking at all. They're probably just thinking that others are thinking things about them that the others aren't thinking at all as well. It's a big circle of insecurity. I know I'm not the only one that doesn't like to be judged and i need to get back on track in the sense of not thinking so much.
Your mind can be a dangerous thing and when it gets on a negative thought, it's like a snowball effect that doesn't stop for anything. Yep, well that's about all i have to say so I'm done for now.
~Still searching 4 Wndrlnd~
I can't stop sleeping that's all i do and it's fucking annoying. I sleep all damn day and then I'm up all night. It's so stupid. Anti-depressants are supposed to HELP me. I guess they're not doing there job any more. I have no interest in anything,all i want to do is sleep,i still take my meds. but they're not doing me any good,i can't find anyone to talk to at the moment.
Why do some people get it and others don't?? I used to think that it wasn't an inheritance from your family but now perhaps it really is. Alcoholism they say runs in the family (mine) but i truly believe it's just a crutch some choose to use as an excuse. I myself have a "higher risk" of becoming an alcoholic, but i choose not to. Why do i think this way for that but not for depression..........perhaps it's because I've battled with it before and was in denial of ever having it until about 2yrs. ago. I kicked and screamed the whole way when other's were saying i had it. "NO i don't have it and that's that" I had no idea what the hell they were talking about i didn't see it. Now i am no longer in denial, though until i got to that point nobody in this world could have changed my mind into having me think i had it.
I've realized that yeah it can be a bad thing at times but it can also be a blessing. As odd as that may sound, i think it's true.....it helps me get my emotions out and helps me think as to why i might be feeling sad or angry and what it is that i can do to fix it. Yeah not all the time does that help but if i look at it in that way "hey somethings wrong" and step back from myself to find what it might be trying to teach me, then maybe in a strange way my depression is a good thing for me. It might not make sense to you but it does to me.
Although, there are many times were i will say "fuck that" and just drowned in my sorrows and feel sorry for myself. Maybe that's one of the few times where i am just having "me" time and it feels good. Too often is it to where i care about everyone and anyone WAY more than I do myself. I need to stop feeling like i don't DESERVE to be loved and cared about. I need to step back and take care of myself and do things for me once in a while. Stop assuming that others are thinking things about me that they aren't thinking at all. They're probably just thinking that others are thinking things about them that the others aren't thinking at all as well. It's a big circle of insecurity. I know I'm not the only one that doesn't like to be judged and i need to get back on track in the sense of not thinking so much.
Your mind can be a dangerous thing and when it gets on a negative thought, it's like a snowball effect that doesn't stop for anything. Yep, well that's about all i have to say so I'm done for now.
~Still searching 4 Wndrlnd~
Mr. Golden Sun
*I originally wrote this to one of my friends on the 6th of March*
Ello there. I hope all is well! Have ya noticed the blue sky out today?? I told everyone it was there, but "NOOOO" why would anyone listen to Alice?? I didn't give up on the blue sky....I saw the sun and the clear blue sky about a week and a half ago....but did anyone believe me??? Of course not, all they saw were crappy gray skies and clouds covering the sun. Well you know what I have to say about that??? "Um, well I don't really know." But still the same....I saw it first and was "Oh so very 'appy" That was one of the first days I had laughed non-stop in about a good 10 months. It was one of the bestest days EVER!!!!! So as I ramble on and on as people read this wondering "what the fuck is she talking about" I think i'll just keep on typing until I feel the need not to. So anyway, like I was saying.....it was sooooo super fucking awesome when the sun&blue sky finally did come about. The funniest thing about it (well other than the fact that i called a bunch of people to tell them that the sky was blue and the sun was out, and how happy I was about it etc. etc.) Um the day that it happened, I totally forgot all about the change, and so when I did like finally look out the window and notice the crazy change I was like "aaaaahhhhh that's soooo CRAZY!!!!" You know, the way Alice usually is when it comes to simple things in life. I'm so sure that if anyone else were around me, they totally would have thought something was wrong. Then would have gone about asking me "Oh my god what's wrong, are you okay?" Then I would have done the crazy Alice response and started laughing hystarically!!!! Thus confusing them even more. hahahahahahaha The joys of being Alice....Nobody can figure you out. Even when you think you have, you really haven't. I love it!!!! Anyway, um so yeah that's my story and I totally hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn't, well i'm sorry.
Ello there. I hope all is well! Have ya noticed the blue sky out today?? I told everyone it was there, but "NOOOO" why would anyone listen to Alice?? I didn't give up on the blue sky....I saw the sun and the clear blue sky about a week and a half ago....but did anyone believe me??? Of course not, all they saw were crappy gray skies and clouds covering the sun. Well you know what I have to say about that??? "Um, well I don't really know." But still the same....I saw it first and was "Oh so very 'appy" That was one of the first days I had laughed non-stop in about a good 10 months. It was one of the bestest days EVER!!!!! So as I ramble on and on as people read this wondering "what the fuck is she talking about" I think i'll just keep on typing until I feel the need not to. So anyway, like I was saying.....it was sooooo super fucking awesome when the sun&blue sky finally did come about. The funniest thing about it (well other than the fact that i called a bunch of people to tell them that the sky was blue and the sun was out, and how happy I was about it etc. etc.) Um the day that it happened, I totally forgot all about the change, and so when I did like finally look out the window and notice the crazy change I was like "aaaaahhhhh that's soooo CRAZY!!!!" You know, the way Alice usually is when it comes to simple things in life. I'm so sure that if anyone else were around me, they totally would have thought something was wrong. Then would have gone about asking me "Oh my god what's wrong, are you okay?" Then I would have done the crazy Alice response and started laughing hystarically!!!! Thus confusing them even more. hahahahahahaha The joys of being Alice....Nobody can figure you out. Even when you think you have, you really haven't. I love it!!!! Anyway, um so yeah that's my story and I totally hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn't, well i'm sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
