"Monet on Acid"

One of my many favorite paintings.

It's time

Okay, so now i'm super sick of being at my house and i'm moving out. I'm not sick of it i'm just tired of listening to the fucking crap that my roomies have to say. Actually they don't say anything and it's driving me mad. The vibe i get from that house is so low and draining.....it's sad. They need to work out their problems without me being the "safety net" that they're using as an excuse not to talk to each other. I know what they're doing.....they don't think i do. People don't understand that i see a lot more than they think i do. (You have to watch those quiet ones) hahahaha They wonder why i'm never home anymore? Whatever. They can bitch all they want when i move out. First time ever to be living on my own. Scary thought for me but i'm sure i can do it........I mean come on i've flown around the world to countries most people can only dream about going to. (and survived watching 2 little kids) I think i can survive living on my own. Did i mention I HATE flying?? Drove to and from St. Louis all by myself (w/o being scared of getting lost once.) And a lot of other things i'm sure count as being super brave and shit. Not once had I doubted myself when doing the crazy drives to and from Milwaukee and St. Louis, or any other place i had never driven to before...i just fucking went and honestly didn't worry. Gurnee at night was scary but that was a diff. story. Driving home at night is hard. Anyway Yep....and so i guess i just have to start fucking believing in myself a lot more, find my inner confidence, without doubting and bringing the "super crazy Alice bitch" I can be....down. TRUST..... it's the hardest thing i have to beat. I need to learn how to "let go" and just trust myself.

-FIN

The Anger Deep Within

So i feel like i don't fit in ANYWHERE. I have no idea what i'm supposed to do to not feel this way anymore. I mean yeah i guess i could just put myself in the most uncomfortable position and force myself to go out and "meet" people.....(no not like a date) but i just end up shrinking down into my shy self that has been portrayed onto who i think is everyone.
I've already tried it and it just makes me not ever want to do it again. "Go with a friend" nope.....it won't work. I feel like everyone in the world is listening to my conversations and then i get way too scared. I feel like everyone is judging me and so i automatically put up a wall. Where does this stem from?? I used to think it was from school and how all the kids were always snickering behind my back and i was always labeled the "shy weird girl" But then when you get out to the "real world" all the people who are shunned for being different are the ones that become the word isn't coming to me......but you know they're the ones who everyone is wanting to be?? i guess that's the best i can explain it.

So i thought about it again and realized that "yeah" those kids were super fucking cruel, but it didn't start there.It started from when i was thrown around while growing up with my mom. Do i resent her for it and is this why i'm not being able to "let go?" maybe.....i'm not really sure.

So growing up.....I don't really feel like i ever really did. I've always felt younger than i am. Though at other times, i can't believe the people that are my age and how fucking stupid and immature they can be. It's like they have no respect or common sense in them what so ever. It pisses me off! That's when i realize i'm way more mature than they. It's so sick: Why can they be so out going and comfortable with it and yet i can't? Sure i can act super goofy and be myself at times, but usually it's because i'm in the smallest of groups.

I don't trust people. What, what in life made me this way, i've just this second come to the conclusion that it's not fair!!!! I went through a childhood filled with fucking shit that no child should every have to go through, and now i have to pay for it? Depression,fear of people,trust issues,shyness,hatred towards myself, feeling that i don't DESERVE to be loved, feeling that i don't matter,that i'm NOT important??? That's just wrong!!!!!!!!!! That's so fucking insane and i don't fucking deserve it. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong!

I wasn't the one who asked to be sexually abused while growing up. I wasn't the one who wanted my mom to drink herself into a fucking coma so that i could go up to her at the age of three, and put my ear to her chest to feel if she was still breathing, i wasn't the one that said "hey yeah, i REALLY want to go to ANOTHER foster home" I wasn't the girl who thought it was fun to get stopped by the cops every time my mom got drunk and had to be shuffled off to yet another foster home. I DIDN'T ask for it. I HATE my mother (is that wrong?).....i wasn't the one who liked the feeling of confusion on "mother's day" of feeling so stupid when all the other kids had moms to give cards to and i didn't but i STILL had to make a fucking card. Do you know what that's like?? Maybe you do, but do you know what it's like to get home from school and have to hand your foster mom her card and piece of fudge the class made, and then have her "REAL" daughter tell you that "you're stealing my mom away from me" That fucking hurts!!
Makes me really feel WANTED and LOVED so much!!!!!! :) Oh yeah, those are some good memories. It's such an awkward feeling it's like your stomach aches, you get that feeling in your throat where it seems like there's a golf ball stuck in it and you want to cry but you can't.

Even to this day i hate mother's day and father's day, and all those "super cheesy fucking Hallmark days" And certain words just make me wanna barf: "supper and meal" are two of them. They're so fucking FAKE. I HATE THEM!!!

So is it wrong that i have anger issues?
i'm "implosive" not "explosive"
Is it wrong that i want to know who's driving,how long they've been driving, and if they wear their seat belt?
Is it wrong to want to know what kind of drunk you are?
Is it wrong that i have "trust" issues?
Is it wrong that i can't say "i love you" to my mom?
Is it mean to never want to talk to my mom when she calls?
It might be mean, but is it wrong??

So i guess all in all for having the fucked up childhood i had, i think i turned out pretty damn well.
-I'm more aware of my surroundings
-I have a keen sense of direction(i'm not afraid of getting lost on the road)
-I listen to and follow my intuition
-I'm not a slut

I'm sure there are more, but i'm tired and i'm going to bed. (With the lights on) ...........gotta love that fear: darkness is scary!

Good venting. I needed that.

Music

First off i guess i'd just like to say this is my first post, and "I can't spell to save my life" SO you're just going to have to deal with my crappy spelling problem. THANKS.

Music is so fucking great i so love it!!! I mean yeah everyone does, but for some reason i really love listening to depressing music when i'm sad. I for whatever reason it might just be, feel SO much happier in the end and don't feel sad. Funny eh? I just love how that feeling of unexplained warmth is inside and you just feel so alive. It makes me want to cry.

The other night i was listening to the radio and my roomie just so happened to be talking with her friend and didn't like the song that was playing at the time and i just LOVED it and went into the room and started dancing (i'm not the type to do that often) and i was so happy. I had gone to the other room right before that had happened and was so uplifted and happy........started to clean the room.

She got really annoyed and turned it off after saying some stupid comment like "i can't stand this music/song!" I got back into the kitchen and got pissed so i took my "jammin' boombox"(it's so super ghetto it's not even funny.) and took it into my room to listen to. She then was like "what the fuck is her problem??" Not realizing that she ALWAYS criticizes my taste in music. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! So i'm then in my room and end up falling asleep. Right when i get to that point of dreaming she bangs on my door......i was going to answer it but then realize "i don't fucking want to."

She ends up coming back like 2 times, and the 2nd time i finally answer the door. The time between the two had to of been like 3hrs. because i looked at the clock and it was like 4:00am. what the fuck?? She comes up to me and expects an answer out of me right then and there......i just woke the fuck up! Let me focus on where the fuck i am and adjust to the lighting. She was like "why were you so pissed?" Did she not know??? How could she not have understood? So i finally explain myself after debating w/myself if it was even worth it....for she had already been drinking and wouldn't REALLY care. Even though she is a very loving drunk. So I tell her, and she's like "well if you would have told me that in the first place i would have never of done that." WHATEVER yeah right fucking BITCH!!!! She hates every type of music i've ever listened to. I don't poke fun at her music...even though sometimes my "inner Alice bitch" really wants to.

I'm sorry, but when it comes to music....in my opinion you should NEVER judge others for liking a certain type of music. I listen to everything and though i don't care all that much for hard core "rap" and really twangy "country" but i can deal with it if I'm stuck in a car for 5 hours. (that might just be because i'm a very patient person though) yeah, I might not like it, but that's a diff. story....i'm not going to right off the bat complain about how crappy this music is. If you don't like it and someone else does....then just deal with it for at least that one song and perhaps afterwards, you can come to an agreement that all of you like. It's just common courtesy. Well okay, i think i'm done venting.