Saturday, April 07, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
"Baby Steps"
Last night I was planning on going to Milwaukee to see Jon Troast: It started at 7pm I didn't leave until 8:30, and so all the while I was debating "oh well it's too late now blah blah blah, the show will be over" I also wasn't feeling "good/comfy" in my clothes. So I finally got comfy.....and got out the door and down to the gas station I went. Another reason (excuse) I made for myself "I don't have any gas and by the time I get it, the show will be over" HAHAHA how silly of me.
Whatever, so I'm now in Milwaukee on Water St. looking for the "Milwaukee Ale Brewery" um....I found it, now I had to turn around several time to find a parking spot. So I'm parked and now the thought "oh well can you even park here?" pops into my head......I tell it "I really don't know, but we'll find out."
I cross the street and walk into this place, It's really big and wide open. A few people scattered about, looking very "snooty" and I really wasn't liking the feel of it. I didn't see Jon, so I was going to turn around and walk out. But "NO" I saw that there was more to the place....another whole room to venture into. "Oh great, now I have to walk around past people?" "AAAAHHHHH!" I did it. I made myself do it, and I saw no one.......that i knew. ( DUH!) So I turned around and thought I knew the person behind the bar, so I approached the bar stool non-shalauntly yet VERY cautiously. Right as I'm about to sit, I realize it's not him, and I FREAK OUT *inside* I tell myself "it's okay, you don't know him, Jon is gone,you should just sit here and drink a beer!..........I didn't win that battle.
As I "oh so slyly" passed the chair I was to be sitting in....I darted for the door. Some nice upper-class older looking man had come in and was holding the door open for me. I thanked him, and at the same time wondered why he would do such a nice gesture....for you see I really wasn't dressed to the ninths. As I walked to my car that was maybe half way down the block, and a man was approaching....a thought crossed my mind:
"Why is it that you can walk by yourself in MILWAUKEE at 10:30pm and not be afraid of being kidnapped or mugged? I mean yeah, I wasn't in a completely "bad part" of town, but still what makes this so different than LG?? I thought about it and came to the conclusion that......I guess I just have to walk around LG at night more. I mean I used to all the time, and then one day I just stopped. I got really scared and just didn't feel safe anymore. Hmmm? I'm not sure why.
After I got to my car I drove and parked to visit my brother's ex-girlfriend (I like that they still are friends, and don't hate each other.) I don't like the uncomfortable feeling you get when you're not sure if you can still be friends with or even talk to someone, even though they no longer date or hang out with the person they knew. You know what I mean? So anyway I went to her apartment and talked to her for a bit, told her about my adventure, then left right after Jay Leno came on and told a really stupid joke. He needs to get some new material.
Anyway all in all, I did good. KUDOS to me! All I need is "Baby Steps" I had more to this smidge bit of an ending, but it mysteriously got erased?! Upsetting but true. Tears :(
Whatever, so I'm now in Milwaukee on Water St. looking for the "Milwaukee Ale Brewery" um....I found it, now I had to turn around several time to find a parking spot. So I'm parked and now the thought "oh well can you even park here?" pops into my head......I tell it "I really don't know, but we'll find out."
I cross the street and walk into this place, It's really big and wide open. A few people scattered about, looking very "snooty" and I really wasn't liking the feel of it. I didn't see Jon, so I was going to turn around and walk out. But "NO" I saw that there was more to the place....another whole room to venture into. "Oh great, now I have to walk around past people?" "AAAAHHHHH!" I did it. I made myself do it, and I saw no one.......that i knew. ( DUH!) So I turned around and thought I knew the person behind the bar, so I approached the bar stool non-shalauntly yet VERY cautiously. Right as I'm about to sit, I realize it's not him, and I FREAK OUT *inside* I tell myself "it's okay, you don't know him, Jon is gone,you should just sit here and drink a beer!..........I didn't win that battle.
As I "oh so slyly" passed the chair I was to be sitting in....I darted for the door. Some nice upper-class older looking man had come in and was holding the door open for me. I thanked him, and at the same time wondered why he would do such a nice gesture....for you see I really wasn't dressed to the ninths. As I walked to my car that was maybe half way down the block, and a man was approaching....a thought crossed my mind:
"Why is it that you can walk by yourself in MILWAUKEE at 10:30pm and not be afraid of being kidnapped or mugged? I mean yeah, I wasn't in a completely "bad part" of town, but still what makes this so different than LG?? I thought about it and came to the conclusion that......I guess I just have to walk around LG at night more. I mean I used to all the time, and then one day I just stopped. I got really scared and just didn't feel safe anymore. Hmmm? I'm not sure why.
After I got to my car I drove and parked to visit my brother's ex-girlfriend (I like that they still are friends, and don't hate each other.) I don't like the uncomfortable feeling you get when you're not sure if you can still be friends with or even talk to someone, even though they no longer date or hang out with the person they knew. You know what I mean? So anyway I went to her apartment and talked to her for a bit, told her about my adventure, then left right after Jay Leno came on and told a really stupid joke. He needs to get some new material.
Anyway all in all, I did good. KUDOS to me! All I need is "Baby Steps" I had more to this smidge bit of an ending, but it mysteriously got erased?! Upsetting but true. Tears :(
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
It's healthy to feel
Everyone learns at different times and speeds. Last night I went to the cemetery to visit Jimbo and give him a new stone for his birthday. When I got there, it was drizzling,and there was a lot of lighting around,not to mention the fact that I'm scared shit-less of the dark. So I ended up going back towards LG. I felt soooo bad, and I kept telling him that I was sorry and explaining that I didn't want to get hit by lighting and I was freaking out about how somebody might have been there (well duh, it is a cemetery) and in the end I told him I would go back tomorrow.
So on my drive back, I was crying #1 because I felt horrible for not accomplishing what I set out to do. #2 for missing him. #3 for feeling guilty about questioning why he believed in me so much.
I felt so bad for having these feelings and crying, that I started apologizing to Jimbo.....I finally caught myself for the 8 millionth time, figuring that since it was annoying me so much, that it must have been annoying him. Then I realized that it was okay and that there was no need to apologize. It's totally normal and yes HEALTHY to cry.
So I said "FUCK IT" and went on my merry little way watching the storm,balln' my eyes out, and listening to the music Jimbo had sent me on the radio. In a way I feel like the storm was his birthday present. (he loved them) And he was just sharing it with us to say "it's all good." I mean at least I could get comfort from that, and it brought me an inner peace in some crazy way.
Even when your not sad and you just have no idea why your crying.....I believe it's from other's sorrow and pain, and I just let it flow. Don't get me wrong, more than I'd like, and more than I think is "healthy" I find myself crying but then I think about it and ask myself :
"Self.....what exactly put this healthy not healthy scale in my head? Most likely society." I then say "oh hahahaha right that's why I don't like the media and thus i will cry and be in my bubble of sadness and sorrow for as long as I fucking want to"
You have to admit, after a good cry you really do feel a whole lot better. And if you don't, well then silly your just not done crying. It's okay! The other day I went to visit Jimbo and I just sat there and balled my eyes out. Then I stopped and started laughing (you know the cry laugh thing) then the laughing turned into crying and then I just stopped all together and there was nothing. I was good for about 10 min. Then the tears came over me and the crying began again, like a big fucking roller coaster of the three: Crying, Laughing, and then Silence *Nothing*
Though when I did leave...........I felt so much better. In my opinion it's fucking healthier than bottling your tears inside you. In a way I think even when you do suppress other feelings inside yourself, you're still getting some of those feelings out when you cry. You know what I mean??
Life Lesson # 402:
It's perfectly HEALTHY to cry
So on my drive back, I was crying #1 because I felt horrible for not accomplishing what I set out to do. #2 for missing him. #3 for feeling guilty about questioning why he believed in me so much.
I felt so bad for having these feelings and crying, that I started apologizing to Jimbo.....I finally caught myself for the 8 millionth time, figuring that since it was annoying me so much, that it must have been annoying him. Then I realized that it was okay and that there was no need to apologize. It's totally normal and yes HEALTHY to cry.
So I said "FUCK IT" and went on my merry little way watching the storm,balln' my eyes out, and listening to the music Jimbo had sent me on the radio. In a way I feel like the storm was his birthday present. (he loved them) And he was just sharing it with us to say "it's all good." I mean at least I could get comfort from that, and it brought me an inner peace in some crazy way.
Even when your not sad and you just have no idea why your crying.....I believe it's from other's sorrow and pain, and I just let it flow. Don't get me wrong, more than I'd like, and more than I think is "healthy" I find myself crying but then I think about it and ask myself :
"Self.....what exactly put this healthy not healthy scale in my head? Most likely society." I then say "oh hahahaha right that's why I don't like the media and thus i will cry and be in my bubble of sadness and sorrow for as long as I fucking want to"
You have to admit, after a good cry you really do feel a whole lot better. And if you don't, well then silly your just not done crying. It's okay! The other day I went to visit Jimbo and I just sat there and balled my eyes out. Then I stopped and started laughing (you know the cry laugh thing) then the laughing turned into crying and then I just stopped all together and there was nothing. I was good for about 10 min. Then the tears came over me and the crying began again, like a big fucking roller coaster of the three: Crying, Laughing, and then Silence *Nothing*
Though when I did leave...........I felt so much better. In my opinion it's fucking healthier than bottling your tears inside you. In a way I think even when you do suppress other feelings inside yourself, you're still getting some of those feelings out when you cry. You know what I mean??
Life Lesson # 402:
It's perfectly HEALTHY to cry
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
