Bad day

Jan. 7th 2007


I can't stop sleeping that's all i do and it's fucking annoying. I sleep all damn day and then I'm up all night. It's so stupid. Anti-depressants are supposed to HELP me. I guess they're not doing there job any more. I have no interest in anything,all i want to do is sleep,i still take my meds. but they're not doing me any good,i can't find anyone to talk to at the moment.

Why do some people get it and others don't?? I used to think that it wasn't an inheritance from your family but now perhaps it really is. Alcoholism they say runs in the family (mine) but i truly believe it's just a crutch some choose to use as an excuse. I myself have a "higher risk" of becoming an alcoholic, but i choose not to. Why do i think this way for that but not for depression..........perhaps it's because I've battled with it before and was in denial of ever having it until about 2yrs. ago. I kicked and screamed the whole way when other's were saying i had it. "NO i don't have it and that's that" I had no idea what the hell they were talking about i didn't see it. Now i am no longer in denial, though until i got to that point nobody in this world could have changed my mind into having me think i had it.

I've realized that yeah it can be a bad thing at times but it can also be a blessing. As odd as that may sound, i think it's true.....it helps me get my emotions out and helps me think as to why i might be feeling sad or angry and what it is that i can do to fix it. Yeah not all the time does that help but if i look at it in that way "hey somethings wrong" and step back from myself to find what it might be trying to teach me, then maybe in a strange way my depression is a good thing for me. It might not make sense to you but it does to me.

Although, there are many times were i will say "fuck that" and just drowned in my sorrows and feel sorry for myself. Maybe that's one of the few times where i am just having "me" time and it feels good. Too often is it to where i care about everyone and anyone WAY more than I do myself. I need to stop feeling like i don't DESERVE to be loved and cared about. I need to step back and take care of myself and do things for me once in a while. Stop assuming that others are thinking things about me that they aren't thinking at all. They're probably just thinking that others are thinking things about them that the others aren't thinking at all as well. It's a big circle of insecurity. I know I'm not the only one that doesn't like to be judged and i need to get back on track in the sense of not thinking so much.

Your mind can be a dangerous thing and when it gets on a negative thought, it's like a snowball effect that doesn't stop for anything. Yep, well that's about all i have to say so I'm done for now.



~Still searching 4 Wndrlnd~