The Anger Deep Within

So i feel like i don't fit in ANYWHERE. I have no idea what i'm supposed to do to not feel this way anymore. I mean yeah i guess i could just put myself in the most uncomfortable position and force myself to go out and "meet" people.....(no not like a date) but i just end up shrinking down into my shy self that has been portrayed onto who i think is everyone.
I've already tried it and it just makes me not ever want to do it again. "Go with a friend" nope.....it won't work. I feel like everyone in the world is listening to my conversations and then i get way too scared. I feel like everyone is judging me and so i automatically put up a wall. Where does this stem from?? I used to think it was from school and how all the kids were always snickering behind my back and i was always labeled the "shy weird girl" But then when you get out to the "real world" all the people who are shunned for being different are the ones that become the word isn't coming to me......but you know they're the ones who everyone is wanting to be?? i guess that's the best i can explain it.

So i thought about it again and realized that "yeah" those kids were super fucking cruel, but it didn't start there.It started from when i was thrown around while growing up with my mom. Do i resent her for it and is this why i'm not being able to "let go?" maybe.....i'm not really sure.

So growing up.....I don't really feel like i ever really did. I've always felt younger than i am. Though at other times, i can't believe the people that are my age and how fucking stupid and immature they can be. It's like they have no respect or common sense in them what so ever. It pisses me off! That's when i realize i'm way more mature than they. It's so sick: Why can they be so out going and comfortable with it and yet i can't? Sure i can act super goofy and be myself at times, but usually it's because i'm in the smallest of groups.

I don't trust people. What, what in life made me this way, i've just this second come to the conclusion that it's not fair!!!! I went through a childhood filled with fucking shit that no child should every have to go through, and now i have to pay for it? Depression,fear of people,trust issues,shyness,hatred towards myself, feeling that i don't DESERVE to be loved, feeling that i don't matter,that i'm NOT important??? That's just wrong!!!!!!!!!! That's so fucking insane and i don't fucking deserve it. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong!

I wasn't the one who asked to be sexually abused while growing up. I wasn't the one who wanted my mom to drink herself into a fucking coma so that i could go up to her at the age of three, and put my ear to her chest to feel if she was still breathing, i wasn't the one that said "hey yeah, i REALLY want to go to ANOTHER foster home" I wasn't the girl who thought it was fun to get stopped by the cops every time my mom got drunk and had to be shuffled off to yet another foster home. I DIDN'T ask for it. I HATE my mother (is that wrong?).....i wasn't the one who liked the feeling of confusion on "mother's day" of feeling so stupid when all the other kids had moms to give cards to and i didn't but i STILL had to make a fucking card. Do you know what that's like?? Maybe you do, but do you know what it's like to get home from school and have to hand your foster mom her card and piece of fudge the class made, and then have her "REAL" daughter tell you that "you're stealing my mom away from me" That fucking hurts!!
Makes me really feel WANTED and LOVED so much!!!!!! :) Oh yeah, those are some good memories. It's such an awkward feeling it's like your stomach aches, you get that feeling in your throat where it seems like there's a golf ball stuck in it and you want to cry but you can't.

Even to this day i hate mother's day and father's day, and all those "super cheesy fucking Hallmark days" And certain words just make me wanna barf: "supper and meal" are two of them. They're so fucking FAKE. I HATE THEM!!!

So is it wrong that i have anger issues?
i'm "implosive" not "explosive"
Is it wrong that i want to know who's driving,how long they've been driving, and if they wear their seat belt?
Is it wrong to want to know what kind of drunk you are?
Is it wrong that i have "trust" issues?
Is it wrong that i can't say "i love you" to my mom?
Is it mean to never want to talk to my mom when she calls?
It might be mean, but is it wrong??

So i guess all in all for having the fucked up childhood i had, i think i turned out pretty damn well.
-I'm more aware of my surroundings
-I have a keen sense of direction(i'm not afraid of getting lost on the road)
-I listen to and follow my intuition
-I'm not a slut

I'm sure there are more, but i'm tired and i'm going to bed. (With the lights on) ...........gotta love that fear: darkness is scary!

Good venting. I needed that.